Outgrown?

At this point in life, everything seems to be going about three hundred miles per hour over the speed limit.  "Now everybody, we're going to keep this down to a safe, steady pace, with lots of time for looking at the scenery and checking our instruments!"  Life: Riiiiiiiiiight.  *careens off anyway*  "Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times... I'll be trying to keep on the track but it's going to be a wild ride!"

If it were a straight line, it'd be aaalll cool.  I can handle that.  You can look back, see where you've been, and look forward and see where you're going.  And everyone else around you can as well, and you can pick up with them where you left off quite easily.  Life: But what fun would that be?  Instead I'm making very imprecise turns all over the place, things changing rapidly and sometimes changing back.  I can't keep up with it all, much less communicate it to people!

Which is where the problem is.  Friend take a lot of work, if you haven't noticed lately.  They require frequent check-ups.  If you neglect this maintenance, you wind up broken down on the side of the road and nobody knows what the heck you're talking about anymore!  They're still back traveling a straight road and you've taken the exit ramp and are about four states away... cue an awkward conversation.  I've been there a dozen times.  Then they call you up, "Hey, where are you?" and you're like, "Well, I changed my mind... and then I changed it again, and then I changed it again... I'm a totally different person now... how's YOUR day been?"

Let it go a couple of months and then suddenly there's nothing to talk about.  No more shared interests, which is about the only fuel I'm capable of running on.  Sentiment is fine, but completely lost on me.  Which probably you all know already, haha.

I never thought like this before... never considered that friends could be "outgrown" and phased out.  I planned on being best friends with all my best friends for the rest of my blooming life.  And I still plan on being friends with all my friends, at least parting kindly with good memories, but I'm waking up now.  To the fact that people change.  Especially me right now.  And also that other people don't always like turning around to find a stranger at their backs.  So I need to do that gently.

I won't always have the same connections with everyone that I once had.  As I lose hobbies and pick up new ones, as my entire life really shifts gears in what I have to admit has been a short short time span, it's going to be difficult to pull that old-me out into the open and make her exercise her social skills.  I used to be a writer. I used to be a history buff.  I used to be into art and music mainly.  I still LIKE art and music, and I still like history to an extent.  Writing... I'm losing it.  It's not such a part of me as I may have thought it was.  But I'm definitely not guaranteeing it won't come back someday when I'm forty or so, haha.  But the point is my interests have changed.  It's not stories running through my head now, or accents or poetry.  Not for the most part.  It's equations and concepts and problems to solve, scientific facts and really random extremely nerdy trivia.  People don't like to hear that.  They expect you to get excited and bouncy about creative pursuits, or a new book coming out.  They do not expect a "fangirl" reaction to, say, implicit differentiation.  It will, repeat, will earn you blank stares.

So I spend all these years of my life building friendships with people who want to talk about and do things that are so far from my mind right now... it's hard to motivate myself.  Catching up is hard, since everything moves fast and gets away from me.  It would be the event of an entire afternoon to bring one person up to date sometimes.  And sometimes I don't want everyone up to date.  Sometimes I can't handle that kind of exposure.  This is the difficulty when very very important yet very very private things happen to me.  They change me but I can't explain them.

Bottom line(s):  It's hard to tell people this and do it without hurting them.  I'm not trying to hurt anyone.  I am always, repeat, always ready to listen.  Send me emails.  I read fast and I will write back.  Listening is not the problem.  The problem is me not being able to put things into words I'm ready for the world to hear.

It's hard to keep up with myself and everybody else.  It's hard to go back and play a role that I'm just not anymore.  A rock and a hard place.  And I'm still, if you'll recall, going three hundred miles per hour over the speed limit I'd prefer.

This is my explanation, my apology.  I'm not actually writing this to anybody in particular, but I know there are some of you I've hurt, completely unknowingly and unintentionally, by this distancing.  I don't want it to be like this, but I'm lost for a cure, at least for now... bear with me, okay?  Thank you.

AMZi

Merry Christmas!

I feel a great urge to speak Russian.  However, I do not speak Russian.  So you are spared. :)

Merry Christmas everybody!

Greenery and bows notwithstanding, we have no snow.  After two years of White Christmases shockingly, we appear to be back to your normal Kansas weather.  Gray.  I am not complaining.  Yesterday it was the right kind of gray, and Mom was all like, "What gloomy weather!" and I was surprised.  It hadn't occurred to me to dislike the weather.  Some of you will know what the right kind of gray means. :) :)

I love seeing our family doing the gift exchange.  You can definitely tell where the priorities are: Books and guns! What more can you want?  Lots of books, guns, and also music.  Which just goes to show the awesomeness. :)  Speaking of the guns, el hermano got a big airsoft assault rifle.  That's cool in itself, the thing is wicked accurate and besides looks intimidating!  BUT also, the manual is written in Chinese or something with THE most hilarious online-translator English version! Ha!  The best parts are as follows:

• ONLY FOR 18 YEARS OLD OR UP: Operation of this air gun for competition use is restricted to users YOUNGER than 18 years old.  
• ATTENTION PLEASE READ IT BEFORE USE IT.  It is for your to enjoy the fun of shoot that this soft ballistic gun is made.  
• [instead of "bullets" it always says "ballets"]
• Those who shoot mischievously or train the gun on people or animals will probably be punished by law. [but you might get away with it!]
• Your eyes will be hurt if the BB ballets shoots your eyes by chance, it is very dangerous.  So don't look close to the muzzle at any time.  [accompanied by illustrations :P]
• THE MUZZLE SHOULD BE DIRECTION AT THE SAFE DIRECTION!  [thanks for clearing that up...]  
• [there is a lid to cover the barrel of the gun when not in use] Shoot casually will cause great danger, so please shoot before you take away the lid [?? I think not!] and aim at the object.
• THOSE INCIDENT, DANGER, HURT, REPAIR CAUSED BY THE WRONG WAY OF OPERATION, READJUSTMENT, DISMANTLE ARE CLAIMED TO BE THE RESPONSIBILITY.
• Maintaining your fingers on the trigger may cause sudden discharge for some reasons, which is dangerous.
• Because of the design of the air gun, there are places subject to entanglement of your fingers.
• [next to a picture of the gun] The charming shape of gun!

Ha. ha. ha.  Anyways, remember what Advent's really about. :) It's rather amazing, if you think about it long enough. Good thing to do the loooooong Christmas Eve night when the dogs are barking and the lights outside are reflecting on the walls.  

Amzi

Been a Looong Time

I'm going to try and blog some over Christmas break.  Bit of a blogging failure, amn't I?  Sadly it's because I don't do anything bloggish or blog-worthy during the school year.  I've said before I doubt if y'all want to hear of my exciting (to me) escapades in calc and physics... :P  Oh well!

I'm trying to knit some lately, trying to finish that one last annoying sleeve and stitch together the sweater, so there may be pictures of that in the nearish future.

Mainly now I'm on break I'm just all about music.  Mainly my guitar.  Thinking about getting a mandolin... been wanting one for awhile, and I can haz Christmas money... :)  We'll see what happens!

Hospice today was...interesting.  I'm not sure why I do this to myself, it's a bit of a shock getting more involved after so long keeping to myself in the front room.  And always with the residentials.  Oh well, it's what I'm there for.  And I'll tell ya one thing, working there at all pretty much murders any sense of awkward/squeamish you have, but gently.  It's a real neat place like that. :)

Yep, seems like there's not much to say here I haven't already said to other people... and if you know me you know I CANNOT repeat myself.  Ever.  I can't rewrite, I can't edit even very much, and I can't re-tell stories I've already told.  I will try to keep that in mind in the next two/three weeks and remember to come here first. :)

Merry Christmas y'all!

AMZI

Appendix

I took a few quick pictures just cause. It's raining out, and it was chillier this morning.  So I needed these. :)

Easiest thing ever, I pretty much just chained about 20 (that'll vary depending on size of hand/hook/yarn--a chain that goes around the wides part of your knuckles rather tightly should work) joined it in a ring, and crocheted around and around forever.  When I reached the point I wanted the gap for the thumb, I just stopped, turned the work, crocheted around, stopped one stitch short, turned again, crocheted around, chained, and skipped across the gap, thereby closing it in a sort of box.  Finished going around and around as long as I wanted, cut yarn and tied off.  Then I went back and crocheted a few rows in a circle around the thumb-gap, making a sort of tube...  all in all very simple and not really worth a post but oh well. :)

Still Alive

In a manner of speaking... :P :)

Lotsa stuff has gone on, I've been down to TN again to see Union University more thoroughly, and come away very (unfortunately) impressed!  Means I have options.  I hate options!  I'm the kind of person who sees something that's just fine and wants to latch onto it.  I can just see myself buying a house... *walks in* "This looks fine! Where do we sign?" Poor Unsuspecting Companion: "Whoa, whoa, can we get out of the hallway first??"

And I just looked at the clock and it said 12:12pm.  I like these sorts of thing.  Unfortunately I was driving at 11:11am on Nov. 11, but I've still got 11:11pm tonight (shhhhh, don't tell anyone I stay up that late!) and it doesn't matter as I've got my thoughts all day.  :)

So anyways, can you tell I'm not easily distracted AT ALL... *not!*

Some more crafty updates, AT LONG LAST!  And a bit of a rip off as it is, sorry, since I don't have any pictures yet.  I'm anti-coats as a rule, it'll have to get down to the single digits for me to wear them regularly, but I must say it's not what you'd call "pleasant" to go out to the car at 7 in the morning and freeze my fingers off.  And I'm anti-gloves because they annoy me.  So anyways, I ended up crocheting some wristwarmer things to avoid frostbite in the mornings.

So anyways, can you tell I'm not dramatic or exaggerating AT ALL... *not!*

Pictures of those might come eventually whenever I'm un-lazy enough to go out to the car and get them...

Meanwhile, I bought something and I received it yesterday. :)  Nice to come home from work to a package!  While I was at Union, I met Rachel Carbonell, who makes hair accessory type things with her sister. See their etsy shop!  I was like, heck! I'll buy somethin'!  So I did. :)  And since my hair was already up when I got home, I just pulled out the flower I was wearing and clipped this in all ad-libbed like that. :P

So anyways, golly do I feel all domestic and female now... Hmmm.  I think a rubber band sneak attack is needed to re-establish my non-girliness. :P :)

.... *zing!* OUCH!  Me:  *evil laugh*

Well, duty calls, physics in particular, only slightly drowning out the yells of my calculus saying I ought to be studying for tomoz... off I go!

AMZi x x x x x

// he was one of us / he was just like us / but he loved this country enough to leave it / to go to blood and dirt and pain and keep believing / he was one of us / saving all of us / for God and country / i will proudly stand / giving everything / to defend this land / for Christ and kingdom / honor and freedom / i will take my place / no i'm not afraid //

Another Trip

Ayi, I know it's been forever... *insert eloquent apology type stuff*  Life is crazy now.  I'm graduating early, which means everything I was going to do next year I need to do this year.  Luckily (except I don't believe in luck) I've got my applications in to my two colleges and I've already been accepted to Covenant, which is nice. :)  Speaking OF, the pictures in this post are from a trip to Cov last weekend, but pretty much none of them are actually OF Cov itself (I got those when I went in August).  Mainly Chattanooga and some sunrise stuff from the overlook on the mountain. :)  The ship picture is of the Nina and Pinta replicas that sailed up the TN River and docked just before we were going down to the waterfront!

Lots of essays to write, so I'm glad I've got an early start thinking about them.  That's the most time-consuming part of the writing process for me, allowed a concept to roll around in my head for a couple weeks.  The writing itself I can get done in about half an hour, revision likewise, it's getting the POINT that I want to make that take some "fermenting" time.

 Aaand school is a handful, as always...  Between missing class from PSAT and trips, coming home and catching up, taking tests, and trying to get AHEAD so that I won't die come November when I take yet ANOTHER trip... Yeah, basically I just open a book and go until I can't go anymore and then open another book... :P

Not to sound like I'm complaining...well, not TOO much. :P  I still have a lot of fun. My calc class is great, and my physics class, though slow, is pretty darn awesome.  I mean, experiments with Nerf guns and an air-powered rocket launcher?  And I have amazing friends who make things better.  And I also have a ton of homework I should be doing right now, so off I go!

AMZi x x x x x

Just Keep Swimming...

Seriously, I'm like a shark!  Sharks have to constantly move to keep water washing past their gills.  They can never keep still in still water, or they'll effectively suffocate and DIE.  Seems like that's how I'm feeling lately... I'm fine when I'm working, but if ever I slow down, WHAM, it hits me hard.  I need a 15-minutes power nap, and it's only 11:00am!  Black tea notwithstanding.

Anyhow, the weather here is lovely.  I drive with my windows down all the time now, and it's just cool enough to be perfectly enjoyable. :)

And I'm more than usual interested in planes and choppers, as opposed to the usual interest in trains.  I'm immensely fond of trains, but I'm in an aviation phase now. There's your trivial trivia for the day, what Amzi is thinking about lately. :)

Still plugging away at the good old education... so now I'm off to do some homework!
AMZi x x x x x

Camping Trip

Spent one night in a tent, and it was perfect weather, a great location close by, lots of fun. :)  And the next day we went to the range, which was awesome. :)  I took a few pictures, so here they are.

Unfortunately Dad walked through this guy's web later on...  ewww.  Pretty though!

Easiest-to-set-up tent ever!

 (Taken in the reflection of the car window)

Me playing with fire.  That's a stick burnt on the end so it's a glowing coal, spun in circles. :D)

Can you tell I love the fire part of camping??

Our little compound.

Early in the morning...

More fire.

We cheated with our fire...

Had a lot of fun with this guy!

AMZi x x x x x

Occupied

Busy lately with school and homework and suchlike.  Which I enjoy :: I'm not complaining.  Just when I'm not working, I'm sleeping, and when I'm not working or sleeping, I'm catching up with friends... leaving me a negative amount of time to spend crafting/writing/reading/drawing, ERGO nothing to blog about and no time to blog in anyhow!

Just a lot of this ::

(really boring algebra-based high-school physics)

Equipped with these ::

(Summit mug [!!!] and cartridge pen, which I use for notes)

And I noticed, taking that picture, the insides of the doors of my desk.  (My desk is very cleverly built into my wall by el padre complete with shelving and a pull-out desktop that slides.  Very cool.)  The insides of the top cupboard doors have pictures on them.

On this door, all pictures drawn by me on my tablet.  This is not the extent of my tablet work, but I don't have a lot of space left and it takes effort to print out pictures and cut them out, etc. etc. etc. :P

On this door, I drew the top picture, and the bottom one was drawn by an AMAZING artist who was in my writing class.  So there ya go.

Off now, yet more homework to do.  Test for American Gov. to be precise.
AMZi x x x x x

Long Weekend

I can't tell you how excited I am!  Sleeping in, no work to go to this morning, no classes on Monday, I tell ya...  I foresee knitting, reading what I want to read, listening to lectures I want to listen to, getting outdoors in this AMAZING weather, piano, guitar...and mountain dulcimer... :)

I mentioned the weather, yes?  The weather is amazing at the moment!  Chilly-ish in the morning, warm by the time you want to go out, so gorgeous.  And the air, it smells like fall or something.  It makes me crazy.  :)

Ooh, speaking of crazy, I think I might write this weekend...or draw, I'm not decided.  A big list of want-to-do's are piling up in my mind, and when they hit full Creativity Potential I think they'll all get done in a huge wave...



In the meantime I'll stay in bed an extra hour.  Ha ha ha.  :)
AMZi x x x x x

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

This is by Dr. Bob Moorehead, whoever that is.  They passed it out years ago at my old church, and I've kept it all this time.  I still love it.  Bit of a motto, you know?

I am a part of the fellowship of the Unashamed. 

I have the Holy Spirit's power.  

The die has been cast.  I have stepped over the line.  The decision has been made.  

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.  

I won't look back, 

let up,

slow down,

back away, 

or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure.  

I am finished and done with low living,

sight walking, 

small planning, 

smooth knees,

colorless dreams

tame visions,

mundane talking,

chintzy giving, 

and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence,

prosperity,

position, 

promotions, 

plaudits, 

or popularity.

I don't have to be right,

first,

tops,

recognized, 

praised, 

regarded,

 or rewarded.

I now live by presence, 

learn by faith, 

love by patience,

lift by prayer,

and labor by power.

My pace is set,

my gait is fast,

my goal is Heaven,

my road is narrow, 

my way is rough, 

my companions few, 

my Guide is reliable, 

my mission is clear.

I cannot be bought, 

compromised,

deterred, 

lured away, 

turned back,

diluted, 

or delayed. 

I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, 

hesitate in the presence of adversity,

negotiate at the table of the enemy,

ponder at the pool of popularity,

or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up,

back up,

let up, 

or shut up

until I've preached up, 

prayed up,

paid up, 

stored up,

and stayed up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.

I must go until He returns,

give until I drop,

preach until all know,

and work until He comes.

And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me.

My colors will be clear for 

"I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes." 

(Romans 1:16)

AMZi x x x x x

Excuses

For why I've not been posting.  School's started full-on, and I'm a front-loader, so I'm somewhat busy this season.  And I doubt if you'd be very interested in hearing about what's running through my head.  Mainly because it's stuff about physics and calculus.  Not exactly the sort of thing you expect on my blog, yes?

Still playing a lot of piano, mainly Le Onde (63 pages, 13 parts, 5 of which down, 8 to master yet) and I Giorni (66 pages, a bunch of parts, just one worked on at them moment) both by Ludovico Einaudi.  And of course his Nuvole Bianche.  Fabulous Hospice House-playing materials, they're so gorgeous and slow and unobtrusive.

Aaand...hmm...what else has been going on?  Finally finished Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung, and actually GOT it finally there at the end.  I'd had weird vague misgivings about his approach all while reading the book, but finally a sentence clinched it for me!

"But the Bible is not a casebook.  It doesn't give us explicit information about dating or careers or when to build a church or buy a house.  We've all wished that the Bible was that kind of book, but it's not, because God is interested in more than getting us to follow His to-do list; He wants transformation.  God doesn't want us to merely give external obedience to His commands.  He wants us to know Him so intimately that His thoughts become our thoughts, His ways our ways, His affections our affections."

Yes!  Yessss!!!!  That really struck me.  Love what He loves, hate what He hates, no worries, mate.  Don't fuss so much about what your decisions should be, but rather what the state of your heart and will should be.

Oh, oh, oh, want to know something really exciting?  I have my own calculator now (shout-out to Keifer The Awesome Who Lent Me His Calculator For...like, Ever) and it's, it's, it's--  Well, JUST LOOK for yourself!



(IT'S GREEEEEEN!)

AMZi x x x x x x

Generally About Music

Been awhile, ain't it?  Or is that just the days running together in my head?  Ah well, I FEEL like I've been fairly busy...not actually super busy, just busy enough in short spurts to be too tired for anything but guitar in the off times.  :)  This is the view from where I sit lately. :P

And I love how these pictures came out, just a little fiddling around with exposure and contrast...and voila!  (pun not actually intended, but hey, it works)

And a better picture of me puppy!  I walked him last night down to the park, and we discovered two things...  He's scared of bridges (little ones over streams a total of 2 inches deep) and small people's parked bicycles...  Haha!

I'm getting my brain back into Spanish mode :: I've missed it!  I've always loved songs in Italian and Spanish, but I've got a new favorite.



And also, my new favorite composer (it's all happened rather quickly, but now I've got all sorts of music by him and I'm cranking away at it) is Ludovico Einaudi.  My current favorite and one I'm getting close on ::



Confession :: I've spent HOURS at the piano over last day and a half, what with this, this one, and the rest of Le Onde, and now I Giorni.  I adore it.  The reason why I know I've spent hours there is because I've got them down, and though they're both pretty simple, it takes me a couple hours to get a song solid and memorized.  AND I'm returning to Hospice House!  First day all over again today, I did miss that piano, but it really still isn't the same without Mr. Ralph.  Oh well... seems like a different place, the new wing, new people, a new day (I used to go on Thursdays)... but same old piano!  And in tune!

Weather's crazy here today!  Windy, cloudy, cool, I love it. :)
AMZi  x x x x x

PS this is my new favorite book.  No joke.  The ending... but it won't make sense unless you're like me, generally strange.  I know a lot people who wouldn't get his refuge at all, but I understand exactly.  It's amazing.

Favorite Songs...

Of the moment. :)



My favorite word is Everlasting. :)



Oh my.  Something about that... wow.

AMZi x x x x x

PS Amzi has started college classes and gotten her license, hence the busy-ness lately!

Authority

Listen to this quote from my American Gov. book (BJU Press) ::

"DAVID -- Before becoming king, David faced an ungodly government in the form of King Saul's personal vendetta against him.  Despite almost being run through with a spear and then being hounded across the land, David remained respectful to Saul.  On two occasions when presented with the opportunity to kill the king, David refused.  He even expressed genuine sorrow for cutting off part of Saul's robe (1 Sam. 24:4-6), as this could be interpreted as a sign of rebellion.  Furthermore, he commanded those under him to show Saul respect and refrain from hurting him.  Later, when David received word of Saul and Jonathan's deaths, he lamented over both of them."

It's kind of amazing, if you think about it.  David knew that authorities are put in place by God, raised up to exact judgment, or to show His power.  Ungodly governments are not exempt from His sovereignty.  That's a good thing to remember.

But even more striking, I find, is the level of respect for Saul that David has.  I mean, I enjoy political cartoons, but the caricatures of the country's leaders could be considered disrespectful.  I'm no fan of Obama's policies, and I'm guilty of calling him disrespectful names, in spite of the fact that he is our president and therefore deserves a level of respect.  "But I didn't CHOOSE him as our president!" you (and I) have said.  Okay, true, but guess what?  God did.  As Doc would say, "Put that in your pipe and...chew it."

And another quote :: "I love Obama, I just don't like his ideas.  You need to do that with people--love them but be careful with their ideas." --Chuck Asay

That struck me.  It IS our moral duty to work to reform our country, to fight injustices in it, to elect Godly representatives.  We are NOT to abandon the "state" sphere, because our Christianity ought to permeate every aspect of life.  HOWEVER we are not to become so wrapped up in our politics as to become like secular politicians.  We are NOT to be assimilated and subsequently ignored.  And we are NOT to let our excitement/outrage over issues and ideas drag us headlong into ad hominem.  As Christians we maintain compassion for people, and solidity on issues.  It's a fine line.

I'm loving the weather right now, but I'm freezing!  Must finish that sweater, because I NEED it! :)

AMZi x x x x x

Ozymandias

Poem I've memorized for a long time, and still love. :)

Ozymandias by Percy Shelley

I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert, near them on the sand
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains.  Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away."

More are coming to my mind--mainly Robbie Burns.  The Twa Corbies.  I love that one.  And When I Was One and Twenty by some other chap.  And Very Like a Whale by...oh, whatsisname.  I'll find them soon.

AMZi x x x x x

I Want To...

Draw a picture...



Or paint a picture...



Or sew something historic...



Or maybe go to bed...  NAAAAAH!!  :)

Pondering, conversing, thinking, reading, and now blogging,
AMZi x x x x x

images (c) their respective owners