On another note, and I won't say much about this because it's really just dawning on me in it full glory... I was wrong about people. And relationships with them. They will hurt you at some point, whether they mean to or not, even if it's just the fact that you may lose them eventually. That's not what gives people and relationships value OR what takes it away. The point is that in the process you're learning and giving. I thought I got that, I knew it in my head, but it doesn't click until you find somebody that's more important than you are. It stops becoming, "What can this friendship do for ME? What can I learn that will make ME a better person? What can this friendship help ME do/endure/acquire?" You progress to a stage of, "I just want to be a better person so that I can EARN this friendship. Like somehow I can deserve this amazing blessing in my life." Then you find a point where you're not even in the picture anymore, it's about them. The sooner I can take myself out of the picture, the better it is for them--complications go down, the focus can become outward instead of getting bogged down in the confusion going on in me. I don't know if it's possible, but I want to be the kind of person they somehow see in me. Believing in people is a really powerful weapon, so DO NOT underestimate it. I may not ever really deserve what I've experienced, but I can sure as heck work my tail off trying to make their life better. I'm getting off myself for once, or I'm trying to. Forget me, I'm not the point here. I want that to stick in my head and change the way I'm living. There's no room for anxiety if you just don't really care what happens to you, it's about the other people.
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