Dread

I've mentioned how much joy I get out of Anticipation.  About three quarters of any enjoyment I get out of any activity/event/occurrence/whatever is all experienced beforehand.  I'm a daydreamer :: always have been, always will, and somehow the minutes (okay, hours) spent dreaming and thinking and Anticipating never seem like wasted time to me.

For that reason, and because of a healthy dose of OCD, I'm a meticulous planner.  Scheduler.  I have my days planned out to the nth millisecond (okay, at least in my dreams).  I'm not saying I can't be spontaneous.  What else can you call it when during an intermission at a play, you suddenly grab your friends and take them off to ride the escalators up and down?  Spontaneity is nice, fun, cheerful, all that jazz, but there is a difference between spontaneous fun and a chaotic lifestyle.  I hate last minute plan-changes.  Touch my schedule and you die.  Perhaps we should say, I can be spontaneous, but any spontaneity by other people which infringes on me.... Ahem.  But really, you know, it all depends on the circumstance, the timing.  I hear they call it Life. :P

Anyway, so my days are spent in the present, as I am easily entertained and take delight in the tiniest details of the Now.  My days are also spent in the past, as I am one of those people who like to take our their memories very very often, waltz them across the floor, and delight in them once again.  And my days are spent in the future, as I plan and prepare and appreciate.

And often, act out.  It must be the storyteller instinct.  I plan my life like I plan a book.  I shape my character (and sometimes the character of people I know) as I would shape a protagonist's character.  It's amazing how much easier everything is to analyze when you think of it this way.  Not that things often turn out as planned/acted out/anticipated, but the point is the process itself.

You might say this lifestyle, this method of looking at things, is a lot of fun.  Yes indeed.  But what you don't know is It Has A Dark Side.

The reverse of Anticipation.  Dread.  Crippling Dread.  I suffer from this fairly often, a direct side effect.  And oddly, the opposite is true of what I prefer for Dread.  Spontaneity, hit me with your worst!  Thrust upon me without warning the most mundane or unpleasant or boring task, without so much as a warning!  Anything is better than a Scheduled Horror.

This is why I have to be careful as I make my plans, as I analyze my dreams and aspirations.  The Worst Possible Thing for me would be to be locked into a job I couldn't enjoy.  I would be paralyzed.  Nothing knocks me down like thinking, "Oh.  No.  I have to do ______ (random bad thing) at the end of the day."  There goes my enjoyment of the entire day.

Not healthy.  I know it.  The trick is finding a way to have the joy of Anticipation without the flip side of Dread.  Sometimes I can manage it.  Sometimes it hits me in the face, knocks me to the ground, and kneels on my ribcage.  Highly unpleasant, let me tell you.

In which cases I usually have an emotional breakdown and have to work through it myself, have a good cleansing agony for awhile, and then I shape up again.  I never want help.  I never want to be cheered up.  But at the same time, I want to know that people would like to help, to cheer me up.  So to all my friends and family, if you've ever caught me on a Dread Wobble, and tried to help, and I've kicked you off like a cow with a broken horn, don't take it personally!  I do most things alone, and that includes working out of my Wobbles.  But thank you for being there and showing me you care.  :)

And the intermittent photos scattered through this post are to lighten the mood.  A home-made caramel frappuccino helps, too. :)

AMZi x x x x x